Beth-El Baptist Church
7/17/05
What does a pre-marriage relationship for a Christian look like?
Last week we briefly and informally looked at the issue of Christians in a boy/girl relationship. This week we will dig deeper into the issue and see what can be learned about these special relationships.
1. What are the requirements to even consider such a relationship?
The Bible does not speak specifically of pre-marriage relationships except as being a betrothal or espousals. Since the only relationships of honor between a man and a woman in the Bible we will look all man/woman “intimate” or singled out relationship as being a precursor to marriage. The first requirement then is that you do not even “date” someone that is not a candidate for marriage.
2. What are the requirements to be a candidate for marriage?
Genesis 24:3-4; 28:1-2, 8-9
Amos 3:3
1 Corinthians 7:39
2 Corinthians 6:14-16
The primary requirement to be a candidate for marriage is that they be Christian. Dating an unbeliever is completely out of the question for the Christian. The two of them will disagree on way too many things that are fundamental and foundational to life itself. The unbeliever would see the concept of tithing, church attendance, serving others as God would have you to serve as being a waste of resources that would be better off used for “the family”. They would not understand the blessings that God gives his people.
Many people believe that it would be ok to marry an unbeliever because they are basically a “good” person and that they know that God will save their intended. Remember the words of Paul “For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Corinthians 7:16 NAS)
Leviticus 18:6-17
The only other requirement from scripture is that the person not be a “near” relative. This prohibition in today’s fallen world is wise advise to ensure proper genetic mix while limiting chances for both having similar genetic problems.
3. What characteristics should one look for?
Genesis 24:17-21
Proverbs 31:10-31
Matthew 19:19
Galatians 5:22-23
Philippians 2:3-5
Although Proverbs 31:10-31 is a picture and description of the wife, many of the same characteristics should be applied to the husband as well. They are, and you, are to be industrious individuals. Seeking to be useful and handy. Never one to belittle others or unduly praise themselves but praises others and honors them. The most important characteristic is that they are clothed in righteousness and the works (attitudes, actions, etc.) are to speak for themselves.
One thing to look at is how they treat their mother or father. If they honor and respect them and treat them well, then you have a better chance of them honoring and respecting you as well. The man/woman who demands his/her mother’s/father’s service to them or treats them as a servant will most likely treat you in a similar fashion.
Be sure to focus on their character. More than one has been duped into believing someone is a Christian, but perhaps a bit immature in the faith, when they are not. Never expect the other one to change in any fashion, especially for the better. If they have mannerisms or behaviors that already irritate you, don’t expect them to change for the better. The closer you draw to another individual the more those things will likely become problematic. Beware of seeking out someone too “different” from you as well. Those characteristics that are contrary to your own may seem exciting at first, but can lead to great problems down the road.
4. How does one seek out a candidate for marriage?
Genesis 24:12-14; 15-16; 2:22
Proverbs 11:14; 15:22; 24:6
Matthew 7:3-5
John 13:35
1 John 5:3
The first thing to remember about seeking out a candidate for marriage is that you don’t. You seek God in prayer to provide the one of His choosing. You can pray for the one that God has for you and thank God for him or her already but it is your job to wait on the Lord to bring about his divine plan in your life. Remember Sarai (Genesis 16) who sought out a child and jumped at an opportunity to “help out God’s plan” and gave her handmaid to Abram to have children for her. Big mistake that cost the world dearly ever since.
Before beginning a relationship with another, seek wisdom and guidance from others. Your friends will often be less blind to the failings and faults that could arise from the relationship. Be sure to let them know that you consider their advice important to the potential building of the relationship and that you need to know the truth, not gossip, rumor, or speculation but the truth of what the have seen, heard (personally) and know about the other individual. The best source of information is from those who know you and the other individual best. You also have to be weary that some that you seek information from may have ulterior motives. Perhaps they are interested in the other individual for themselves or have a personal dislike for them. But seeking honest counsel from others is necessary.
5. What are the limits of their activities?
Genesis 26:8-9
Song of Solomon 2:7
Be careful not to stir up emotions and feelings before the right time. Take things slowly and setup your boundaries early. Do not wait until you are advancing in the relationship before deciding on the boundaries. Decide early and with wisdom and guidance from others. Although you may not like the idea, perhaps talking to your parents before the relationship begins to help setup proper boundaries.
1 Corinthians 7:1
1 Thessalonians 5:22
It is important to remember what Paul says, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman”. The idea is to keep as far away from advancing the relationship towards intimacy as you can. There are several questions you can ask yourself to determine if you are going to be ok.
Would I do this act in front of my friends?
Would I do this act in front of my parents?
What would be the ramifications “if I got caught”?
- Thinking about getting “caught” is a clear sign of it being inappropriate.
Genesis 38:23
Is the act the results of faith? (Romans 14:23)
1 Peter 3:3-4
Be aware of the manner in which you present yourself and they present themselves. The attention should be drawn to their character and not to their physical appearance. The person who is only interested in the physical appearance may not be that interested several years from now. This does not mean that we should be looking for the slob or looking like a slob but that should not be the central focus.
6. How should we protect ourselves?
Ecclesiastes 4:12
Daniel 1:8
Proverbs 7:6-20
Matthew 5:28-30
The best ways to protect yourself is to go on group activities rather than on one-on-one activities, and to prepare in advance, with guidance and counseling, what you will do before hand, and to avoid the situations, circumstances, and locations that could cause problems.
It is important to form Godly relationships, with the emphasis on Godly. The relationships are to be founded and cemented in God and His will. It is therefore imperative that He be sought for wisdom regarding the relationship. That also means using the wise counsel from outside, “disinterested” parties who are only interested in the truth and the well being of you and the other person. The focus of the relationship should be to honor and glorify God and not the fulfilling of the desires of the flesh (Ephesians 2:3).